Great way to start your day!!

People this dense NEVER be permitted to give anyone an attitude. Particularly at 9:30am on a Monday morning.

I come into the office, and I have 9 voicemails. Three of them were from some an irritated flashlight fanatic moaning and wailing about how to insert his batteries. I presume he is either A. Really dumb or B. His flashlight is REALLY screwed up. Both are scenarios I am NOT chomping at the bit to kick my day off with.



Our conversation went something like this.


(And I truly wish I were exaggerating.)



"Good morning, this is Katie."


Consumer: "Hi. Is this Katie?"

"Yes, this is Katie. How can I help you?"


Consumer: "In Customer Service?"

"Yes. How may I help you?"


Consumer: "Well, Katie. This is Mark. Did you get my message?"

"Yes Mark, I rec'd 3 of your messages just now. Now, you are having an issue with a battery?"


Consumer: "Wait. Why haven't you called me back?"

"Sir, you left one message over the weekend during non-business hours, and two this morning before I got into the office. I didn't have a chance to return any phone calls."


Consumer: "Why is that?"

"Sir, it's 9:30am on a Monday morning."


Consumer: "Well, what time did you get into the office?"

"I'm sorry?"


Consumer: "What is your 800 number. I'm calling long distance."

"We don't have an 800 number. What is the issue with the battery?"


Consumer: "My flashlight doesn't work."

"What seems to be the issue?"


Consumer: "It won't turn on."

"Okay, have you tried changing the batteries?"


Consumer: "I don't know which way they go in."

"Okay, which way do you have them in now?'


Consumer: "How am I supposed to know? Do you have a manager I can speak with?"

"Sir, look at your battery. There is a positive end and a negative end. Do you see the marks? Okay, now if you look on the end cap there is a + mark on it. That means the positive side of the battery must be facing up."


Consumer: "It works now."


**Click.**






Once I start busting out the "Sirs" you know it's serious. I kept my professional poise, but once this fucktard had the audacity to ask me what time I showed up for work, my once chipper attitude turned to unapologetic & stern.



What I should have said:

" I'm sorry, Captain Dildo. When I listened to your THREE messages asking the proper way to insert an fecking battery, I decided I needed to finish my coffee and oatmeal before I embark on your emergency drone-fest.

And P.S., how many options DO YOU REALLY HAVE when it comes to inserting batteries into a flashlight? Even if you are a complete degenerate and you try every single possibility, there are only 4 ways to put them in. Four. You called me 3 times before 9am because you don't have the insight to read directions and/or utilize common sense. Then you give me sass before you even ask the fucking question. Then you hang up on me when I've nicely SOLVED your little dilemma WITHOUT even using my world-renowned condescending phone-voice.

Do the world a favor and sterilize yourself. Then die. Slowly. "

I just barfed.

Happy Girl...

In the past 2 months, my friends and family have been bombarding me with certain observations. These, certain ‘observations’ are dead on balls accurate. Except for those of you mentioning “you-know-what” because it ain’t happening anytime soon. So don’t hold your breath you animals. But, the other observations are true. I’m a happy girl.

AND.

I’m in love. I’m in love with essentially everything. This new perspective I’ve obtained, the way I see my future unfolding, the amazing people I’ve been blessed to have in my life, my healthy family and the happy times ahead. I’m in love with everything and it’s that simple. And guess what? It doesn’t seem fleeting. I’m NOT having a bi-polar episode. Imagine that.

Anyone who ‘knows’ me personally – only The Creeping Unknown – and they would not consider me a dark or depressed person. I’m consistently smiling, laughing, flirting and cracking jokes. (I never said the jokes weren’t dark, for anyone that may really, REALLY know me.) I know the events that have made me the person that I am….I know the last ten years of my life have not really been the best. Not terrible, not tragic, nothing to cry about….just … not the best. Mostly due to poor decision making on my part, to be PERFECTLY honest.

I don’t know what happened. I’m not positive when this life-altering change took place.
Maybe it’s because I spent two years dealing with small town people’s judgments about who I am ….and now I’ve found people who don’t suck at life. Perhaps my little ‘diving board’ served it’s purpose. Maybe it’s because of my loss in August. Maybe it’s because of Halloween. Maybe it was just my time to get happy.

But for the last 3 months, something turned on inside me. And apparently, it’s showing from the inside out, since apparently…I “glow” now. Most of my friends have taken me aside, more or less with tears in their eyes telling me “I haven’t seen this smile in years.” And “I am so glad you are happy, you deserve it.”

I totally am.

Swoon.

Defective Pieces of Doody!

Most of you are aware that I work for a flashlight manufacturing company in Rhode Island. Glamorous, I know.



I handle all the Customer Service within the company. In essence, completely neurotic degenerates call me all day to gloat about their flashlight collections or bitch about their busted lights and our warranty policy fee. (We ask them to send in $5.00 with all defective products)



Quite simply, these freaks drain my energy, put my serenity to the test and essentially ruin my day.



Until today...



One of these dickheads made my life worth living.



My friend Pam is the Accounting Supervisor, and she IM's me this afternoon, after receiving a money order from a consumer who returned a product. It's a little blurry, but read 'Memo' line.







"Defective Piece of Excrement"



Amen, brother. THIS is how you get a mother fucking point across.



Thanks for the laugh, you angry son-of-a-bitch. I'm sending you a free flashlight.

This is Love....

...and I got it.

"I love that you get cold when it is 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

-When Harry Met Sally

dag.

1. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
Yes. I get a running start, push it really fast, and RIDE that MO-FO across the lot. People on Doyle leave them on the side of the road, all shiny and tempting. It's mean.

2. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
Meh. I like interactive conversations. You know, where both are involved? I'm a good listener when I need to be, when I'm not insulting you.

3. Do you take compliments well?
I have improved in my old age, but I still occasionally respond with a mature 'shut up' or 'you're crazy' followed by some sort of cuss word. And I blush. So, no. Not really.

4. Are you an active person?
Not in the winter time. I detest frigid weather from the nadir of my soul...

5. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
Hypothetically I'd love to SAY yes - but I seriously doubt it. I never went to camp.

6. Do you like to ride horses?
I sat on a horse while it trotted leisurely around the ring and stopped to take massive dumps. Something tells me that is not RIDING.

7. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
Nope I scampered around my street barefoot with the the Lee boys instead. Lamar used to tattle on me for causing trouble. (That's RIGHT you "BIG SHOT football player", I called you a TATTLE TALE!)

8. What was your favorite game as a kid?
Make believe. Basketball. Hand hockey. Jenga. Riding my bike until it got dark.

9. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married, would you pursue it?
I'd pursue chucking a drink in his/her face.

10. Are you judgmental?
I can honestly say no. Of course no one is perfect, but can confidently say I am open minded and accepting. Unless you are doing something detrimental or hurtful to yourself or others. But I'll come to YOU about that shite.

11. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?
I'm not even sure of my OWN religious beliefs. Call it research.

12. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
I've never been 'full court press' pursued. Then again, I never really 'play' hard to get, either. If I dig you, you know it. No games.

13. Can you speak another language?
Jibberish.

14. If you had to choose, would you rather be deaf or blind?
Deaf.

15. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
I 'know' how. I also know if I attempted it, I'd fall down.

16. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed?
The Pooch.

17. How often do you read books?
Not often enough.

18. Do you think more about the past, present or future?
I'm a live in the now sort of chick.
Occasionally I'll analyze the past, to help me understand the present, and help me make my world-renowned guestimates about the future. Until recently, the future was never really at the forefront of my thought process.

But now, my future is lookin' so bright, I need me some shades.

19. What color are your eyes?
Dark brown.

20. How tall are you?
5'4"

21. Where is your dream house located?
Wherever life takes me.

22. Last person you talked to?
Markus. A.K.A. 'Sicky Bones'

23. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
Yes, yes I have.

24. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
Orlando Florida when I was 18.

25. What are your keys on your key chain for?
My apartment. Car. Coffee Shop. Mom's apartment. Dad's House.

26. Where was the furthest place you traveled?
Cancun.

27. Where is your current pain at?
My lack of free time on the weekends. It's painful.

28. Do you like mustard?
Totally. All kinds. Spicy, honey, yellow, BRING IT.

29. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
I prefer cuddling in bed, taking breaks for food with cat naps in between.

30. Do you look like your mom or dad?
People say I look like Mama when I smile. Other than that, I look adopted.

31. How long does it take you in the shower?
In the AM .. 5 minutes. At night, anywhere from 10 to 30. On the weekends, I have shower parties.

32. Have you ever been knocked out?
Yes, in the bathroom at my old work. Fell through the stall door, whacked my head on the toilet, and woke up with a crowd of nervous people in front of me.

33. What movie do you want to see right now?
Some Kung Fu movie that Mark's cousin gave him.

34. Do you put lotion on your dog or cats?
No. But Brewer has 'Stud Muffin' cologne for when he's stinky. And a tea tree oil spray for when his skin gets sensitive in the summer. I heart my puppy. But he don't wear no sweaters.

35. Do you think The Grudge was scary?
I think The Asian was scary.

36. What was the cause of your last bruise/cut?
Bruiser. Get it? BRUISEr. Tee hee.

37. Do you own a camera phone?
I heart my camera phone.

38. What are you drinking?
Caffeine intravenously. Water orally.

39. Was your mom a cheerleader?
Absolutely not. She smoked cigarettes and wore short skirts. Like mother like daughter..

40. Who did you vote for on American Idol?
I'm shamed to admit this, but thanks to AJums I actually watched last season. SOUL PATROL, baby!

41. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
A cool 6 hours, with an 90 minutes of snooze time.

42. Do you like care bears?
My first tatoo, will be a teeny heart on the bottom of my ass. I've been talking about it since I was about 7.

43. What do you buy at the movies?
I usually split a diet coke the size of my torso with whoever I'm with. And I'll smuggle in a snack if I'm hungry.

44. Do you know how to play poker?
Yes.

45. Do you wear your seatbelt?
When I'm driving. I forget when I'm riding passenger. Go figure.

46. What do you wear to sleep?
A nightgown.

47. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
Starbuck's invaded?

48. How many meals do you eat a day?
When I'm good, 5 little ones. When I'm bad, 2.

49. Is your tongue pierced?
No thank you.

50. Do you always read MySpace bulletins?
Sometimes.

51. Do you like funny or serious people better?
I like a balance of the two. I adore people who can laugh at themselves, and make me laugh. But I can't quite handle people who are too insecure with themselves to ever embark upon a real conversation and get serious long enough for me to learn what makes them tick. I thrive on learning about other people, but I don't have the patience for walls.

52. Ever been to LA?
Just once, but I have a feeling I will be back sooner than I think.

53. Did you eat a cookie today?
No. But I did some serious damage to a pen earlier.

54. Do you use cuss words in other languages?
I could scrounge up a few.

55. Do you hate chocolate?
Of course not. Chocolate is tasty. I just don't eat it that much.

56. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
Dad: Fighting would require him to lay an opinion on me occasionally, and he's just not down with that.
Mom: We bicker playfully about my being 'too busy to call my mom'

57. Is your cell usually on vibrate or ring?
I leave it on silent a lot. It makes everyone angry.

58. Are you a gullible person?
My answer has many 'grey' areas. On the spot, yes. But if you give me time to process, you really can't pull anything over on me.

59. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
Nope. I just happen to have one who makes me a different kind of happy.

60. If you could have any job (assuming you have the skills) what would it be?
I would own a coffee shop by day/ a chic bar by night, become a freelance photojournalist who travels, open a small holistic therapy treatment center and be a part time dog-walker/florist/hairstylist/professional surfer. I like variety.

61. Are you easy to get along with?
If I love you.

62. Have you recently got your hopes up?
Yes. And thus far, no let downs.

63. Will you be married within the next 3 yrs?
Highly doubtful. Unless we go to Vegas..

64. Are you friends or were you friends with your b/f-g/f's friends?
Always.

65. Have you ever shaved your eyebrows?
No, I pierced it instead.

66. Can you skate?
Not without sustaining some sort of injury. But I love it anyway.

67. Is sex over-rated?
Would anyone who is having sex say yes?

68. Can you do a cart-wheel?
Highly doubtful. My gymnast days were over the day I met the Marlboro man.

69. Are you heartbroken right now?
Um. No.

70. Are you a happy person?
Yup. According to 90% of my extended family, I glow now.

71. Whats one bad thing going on right now?
Nada. Oh, I'm shit broke. But other than that, it's all good.

72. Are you scared about something?
Mildly...but it's the good kind.

73. Whats your biggest flaw?
I'm scatterbrained. I overwhelm myself too easily and become frazzled. And, I'm smitten. That's annoying.

74. How many kids do you want?
Depends on what kind of LIFE "we" want, no?

75. Do you live with your parents or away from home?
I live in an apartment with The Jew and Brewer.

Holy Shit!

Holy Shit!

HA HA!

This is WONDERFUL.

Best quizzes ever.

I'm unstable. And, apparently, the best flirter EVER.
These things are retarded.

You Are 68% Bipolar

You're more than moody - you're a bit unstable. If your mood swings are effecting your life, you may need to seek help.

Are You Bipolar?

You Are a Natural Flirt

Believe it or not, you're a really effective flirt. And you're so good, you hardly notice that you're flirting. Your attitude and confidence make you a natural flirt. And the fact that you don't know it is just that more attractive!

What Kind of Flirt Are You?